Saturday, December 29, 2007

Year in Review

This year has been a particularly stressful one for me. I have not been myself for some time. In March, I found myself without my best friend. Loss it seems was to be the theme of the year, from those I care about, and who were, and still are, a big part of my life.

With the friend and I separated by circumstances, I took to looking for and keeping myself busy and my mind preoccupied. I don’t always make the best choices under these conditions. Add to this, that I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve, messes with my emotional state.

Just when I thought I would be OK emotionally with one loss, the company closed the development lab where I work. We were more than employees all under one roof. To me, we were like family. The months that followed found me living and seeing the world as if I were under water. Change is difficult for most, and I am no exception.

To help me cope, Andy took me away every weekend. We would get on the motorcycles and go. I never asked where, but got behind him and followed. I just needed to be moving, going somewhere. During the long week-days, I occupied the same building, doing the companies work, with the ghosts of my colleagues taping me on the shoulder at unexpected times. I would see a shadow, look up, and like a flash, a bit of memory would strike me, and once again, I felt despair. Then more loss was in store for the family. My husband lost two of his brothers just a month apart from each other.

During the long lonely days, I looked around for a new place of my own. My endeavors to this end have been unsuccessful as of yet. The irons are in the fire, and patience and faith are now my daily companions. My new state of mind is now that of surrender. Surrender to the will of He who knows what is best for me and having the faith to wait it out.

It has not been all bad. I was able to spend time with my granddaughter while she experienced her first week of life early this year. She is a beautiful child with a happy spirit and curiosity for the world seen only in the very young. Her will to reach for, and attain each new milestone fills me with awe at the human spirit.

In trying to manage my stresses and strains of life, my fingers found the keyboard. The words race across the pages chasing the devil out of me and helping me find my way back to the Pat I miss. I found my short story about a spring motorcycle ride published in a rider magazine. I joined a writing group in the area and have a new set of people with which to share my passion. December found us reading a selection from our writings. I have gained new respect for others who put their thoughts on paper, and an appreciation for those who listen respectfully to mine. My self esteem is returning and a joy for life as well.

To those of you who felt my sting this year, I ask forgiveness. To those of you who continue to buoy me up when I am down, my heartfelt thanks. And to you my good friend, who through the miles, reaches out regularly to tap me on the shoulder and tell me that we matter, you are true blue.

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